My Mom.....

I was thinking about my mom this morning, she would have had her 59th birthday last Saturday (12th) and my mom and dads anniversary was the 14th. Last Saturday my dad, the J-Boys and I went to the cemetery to put flowers on her grave. J #2 still has a lot of questions since he had just turned 3 about 3 months before she passed away and now that he is 4 he has quite a few questions. I was glad that we had Ms. Cinda, the childlife specialists come in from Hospice and talk with the boys after my mom passed because it gave me assurance of how to talk with them and be able to handle the questions that were still to come with confidence. My dad and I had quite a bit to talk about and we both agreed that one, it was easier to talk about her now and two that we are able to talk with others who lose someone so close to them after experiencing it ourselves.

Then on that Sunday our Pastor preached on Psalm 23, which was my mom's favorite passage and it was preached at her funeral. So of course a lot of emotions filled me then. The message spoke to me about God bringing you through those tough times and you need to draw closer to Him during it. I know that was my experience I won't lie and say that I did not have times of anger and hurt and all those feelings, not toward God, but just in general. But I don't know how I could have possibly got through that time without "The Good Shepherd" who took me through the valley of the shadow of death and was with me all the way and still is. The rest of the verse goes "I will fear no evil; For you are with me; Your rod and your staff ,they comfort me." Amen, and let me say it again, Amen. I do feel my walk has taken a turn since the death of my mom. I believed that I trusted God in all that He did and that I relied on Him fully, but when my my mom got sick and that was tested I was very fearful. I would ask myself "How can I go on without my mom there to talk with?" The Lord spoke to my heart and said that, "I will be there to talk with. I would ask "Can I make it without the unconditional love of a mother in my life?". And again the Lord spoke to me and said "I love you unconditionally, so much more that I gave my only Son to die for you." The fear subsided and I was able to let my mom go, but one thing kept bothering me through the months after her passing, and I prayed about the fact that my mind knew that she was gone, but my heard still felt like I would see her at any moment. I believe my heart knows that I will see her again that she is not really gone, but in Heaven with Jesus and one day I will join her. I also feel as though I see her in my children, in my Dad, and most of all in myself. She left a legacy that is for sure. I miss you and love you so much Mom.