One Year Ago Today.....

My life as I knew it changed with one phone call at 6 am, one year ago today. My heart ached like I had never felt before, one year ago today. The sorrow that over whelmed me was much more than I ever thought it could be, one year ago today. The "normal" would be forever changed, one year ago today. A part of me died, one year ago today. My mother's touch and the sound of her voice ended, one year ago today. My children lost their adoring, loving, affectionate Mimi, one year ago today. My dad lost the wife he had loved for 40 years and that took care of him, one year ago today. My brother and I lost our mother, whom loved us more than life itself, I believe, one year ago today. I lost my mother, who I loved and was my best friend and who I talked to everyday and did something with at least once a week. She was the one who was there for me no matter what, loving me no matter what, one year ago today.

This has been a difficult year, not all days were hard. I believe the majority of them were at some time or another. I still went on with my life, but with something missing. She has never left my thoughts not for one day. All the firsts that had to go on without her sometimes were very painful. It was all so abnormal, "she is supposed to be here" I would think. "I want to call her and tell her.....", but I can't. My heart and my life are forever changed. She knew me like no other and I knew that. There was something comforting about feeling sick and calling my mom, I can't do that now. When something exciting happens with the J-Boys I always wanted to share the joy with her and she loved hearing about it, but I can't. When I was in pain from laboring with my first J-Boy I wanted her to be there and comfort me and she was. You know how you never think about the happy times as being that happy until you don't have them like that anymore. That kind of sounds weird, but it is true. When I was in the moment with my mom being there with me doing something and we had a good time, I never stopped to relish the thought that I might not have times like that again, until I didn't. I believe the second year will feel a little different, the shock pretty much has worn off and the realization of it all is here. Now we have the "seconds" without her there which I think will not feel so raw, but will still be painful. We do have some firsts though that will be coming up for us this year. My family and dad will be vacationing for the first time without my mom. And my brother and his wife will be having a baby, and we will get to hold that baby girl and dote all over her for the first time without my mom. Those times will be difficult, but I know we will make it through, God has brought us through this far and will be there for the rest.

I get mail from the Hospice group that took care of my mom letting me know about monthly meetings and such and they always have poems on the back and they have been comforting to read and the last two that I got I wanted to put on here the first one is:

You Were Loved
by Russ Gowin

You lived your life and now it's done.
No more moonlight, no more sun.
We didn't always share our feelings or our thoughts.
We sometimes laughed together and sometimes fought.
Each life has a beginning and an end.
We never know what's coming up around the bend.
You look down upon me from above.
You know in this life, you were loved.
I miss your voice, your laugh, your smile.
How you made me feel special with your own unique style.
Your absence is felt each and every day.
Your name is always mentioned when I pray.
As you fly among the peaceful dove,
Always know that you were loved.

And with the start of this second year, I feel it as a sort of new beginning for me like I said the shock is not there and now I continue to go on. This next poem spoke to my heart about this coming year for our family:

New Beginnings
by Tammy Mercy

It's a new beginning for me,
Time to start afresh,
Time to close the door of pain and loss
and open the door to love and grace.

I had it good, so, so good for awhile,
my loved one by my side,
Filling my days with laughter,
Charming my nights with glee.
Oh, how I loved them so!
Oh, how I had it so good!

Then sorrow cam upon my path
and took your life from me.
Pain and anger and tears consumed me,
My life, I no longer knew.

Then, the door of love and grace opened up to me.
God entered into my pain and grief.
He brought comfort to me in friends, in family.
He gave to me a new faith, a new hope.
He lifted my burden upon his shoulders and
Carried me through the storms to another life,
To a new beginning.

Sure, I miss my old life,
My loved one by my side,
But I cling to the new life that God has given me,

So it's a new beginning for me,
Time to start afresh,
Time to close the door of pain and loss
And open the door to God's love and grace.

My love abounds for you mom, even though you are not here to see it or feel it. You left me with no words left unspoken for we said all that we needed to say to each other and for that I am so thankful. Until we meet again, I love you, Mom.